Meet the Bakers

He is great but we are small...

2012-01-08T12:44:00.003-05:00

BIG: 1 large as in size, height, width, or amount
2 of major concern, importance, gravity, or the like
3 outstanding for a specified quality
4 important, as in influence, standing, or wealth
5 grown up; mature

Big is relative. My kids think that our house is GIANT. I realize that it is quite average and that the house my husband sprays that is 19,000 square feet is actually the giant house. It's all about perspective.

Two days ago a friend posted on her facebook that she was looking forward to BIG changes in 2012. I think we all are. But what is big? A new job, a new house, moving to a new state or even country, a new marriage, a new addition to your family...those would be considered big by anyone's standards.

But something on that day and that particular status began to challenge my thinking. How much of God's BIG changes do I miss because I am watching for something "large in size" or "of major concern?" God's BIG changes are often so subtle that we miss them...your child learning the ABC's, serving in a new capacity, reading "The Ministry of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson. HIS big can be quite small and yet just as life changing as your child learning to read because they are going to move mountains for Him someday. Or serving as a Sunday School teacher while the children open your heart in unimaginable ways. Or reading a book that completely changes the way you view motherhood and realizing that your children are your biggest ministry. (Read the book, Moms...just read it:)

This particular friend is wanting a way to move back to Texas...she needs God's hand to do big and mighty things. But I can almost guarantee that his big will start out very small. My word for the year is INTENTIONAL. I want to be intent on watching for HIS big movements in my heart and in my world. Big is relative, after all:)

I don't have to be right...

2011-10-20T23:32:00.002-04:00

I know that Brad and I are getting older. We have more aches and pains. We have traded in fancy date night outs for casual early dinners and a bottle of wine at home. I'm less worried about the high heels and more worried about processed foods. The other day we went out for brunch (see...we do BRUNCH for dates now:) and after being seated Brad said, "Could that girl's skirt be ANY shorter?" Yep...things have definitely changed.

I am also learning in my old age. I have always been a very passionate person. I have this burning desire to prove my point because you see...I am usually right. (That was REALLY sarcastic for those who don't really know me...we REALLY need a sarcastic font:) I am learning...prepare yourself...I don't have to be right. I don't have to prove my point. People can think I am wrong....they can even think I am crazy. I am learning to let them. Shocking, I know.
Now...if you want to come after my kids or husband I won't back down quite as easy...I am STILL a work in progress:). But as for me...I CAN BE WRONG.

It's amazing how not arguing has freed up a lot of time. I don't get on the Star Telegram site and comment anymore. I don't get passive aggressive on Myspace. YES, myspace...I told you we are OLD:) I am striving to be uplifting and encouraging even when what I want to do is stomp my feet and say BUT YOU ARE WRONG:).

God is good, friends. If he can soften my heart for his glory...he really can move mountains. Have a beautiful Friday and weekend...much love:)

I want a LUNCHBOT:)

2011-09-26T13:48:00.003-04:00

I am a Bzz Agent and I want a :

I am a homeschool mom with two kids who are ALWAYS on the go!! I need this!! It is the perfect snack and lunch container!! Forget lunchables and all that plastic wrap...I'm GOING GREEN:)!!

Pick me! Pick me!!!

Convicted...for the millionth time

2011-08-29T10:19:00.004-04:00

I love my church. I love my church family. I even love my preacher. I love him because he is not afraid to step on my toes or make me wiggle in my seat. I know in my heart that when he looks around the room he is not singling me out but often times I feel like he is staring into my soul saying...are you listening Shana? I know that it is really God who is whispering that but it is Pastor Rick that makes me feel his conviciton. This Saturday night (yea...a Presbytarian church with a Saturday service...we are rebels:) was no different.

He talked about the obstacles we all face. You know the ones...the car needs a new transmission, the kids need new shoes, the electric bill doubled thanks to a record heat wave. Aging parents with ailments that cause us MUCH worry. Children who stray from church, children who are experimenting with things we don't want to think about, children who are sick. Bad backs, cancer, job loss...obstacles basically suck. This was the mental image that was running through my head...

Well, actually, my mental image was a woman in high heels with a baby on her hip and a Coach briefcase slung over her shoulder while jumping hurdles but for some reason Google couldn't come up with that image:). BUT the longer I sat there I realized I was missing the BIG picture. These are obstacles that we ALL face...but the biggest hurdle that I face...the one that robs me of the most joy is this one...

Yep. I am the biggest hurdle I face. I am the one who worries. I am the one who panics. I am the one who tries to be in control and handle things on my own. I AM MY BIGGEST HURDLE. Who knew?! I am pretty good about letting God handle the big stuff that I know I can't handle on my own. But as I sat there staring at the cross I realized that I try to stay in control of the day to day stuff. The little stuff that I feel like I shouldn't bother him with or if I am being completely honest...the little stuff that I want to be in charge of. And it is the little everday stuff that drags us down into a pit of stress and worry and eventually despair. The pit I have been wallowing in because I became too overwhelmed.

I'm slow God. But I get there. I will not stand in my own way anymore. This week our preacher challenged us to just pray prayers of thanksgiving and not ask God for anything. He challenged us to just talk to Him...get to know him. I failed already...I have already asked for relief for my back:). BUT...I am giving thanks in the storm...I am thankful that I can still walk and that I have gotten smart enough to let Him have complete control meaning He gets to be the one to worry:)

Don't be your own hurdle...

My faith

2011-05-23T15:34:00.003-04:00

My faith defines me. It is my identity. I have a relationship with a man named Jesus. Someone posed the question, "What would happen if you get to Heaven and there is no Jesus?" I would be devestated. I know him. I love him. Jesus is a REAL part of who I am.

I am a Christian but I am not perfect. Christ is the perfect one. I am constantly humbled that He chooses to love me...I fail Him on a regular basis. I know God is working on me...on us...on our family. I know that we will glorify him through our failures in some way.

Nike

2011-02-06T15:49:00.002-05:00

So I got a little behind...I know we are all shocked:).
Today's picture is in honor of Nike the cat.

My parents inherited her about 4 years ago and she is the meanest cat we have ever had. She hid in the closet for the first 2 years they had her. Once they moved to the new house she became more tolerable. In the last year she started being social...climbing on cabinets, sitting in your lap, letting you pet her without biting:).

Sadly...she died last week...and she will be missed.

Picture a day...

2011-02-02T18:15:00.002-05:00

The Barbie blog has made me realize how easy it is to blog with pictures. I am going to try to do a picture a day for the month of February and today's picture is BRAD;).

He is watching Spartacus...on Netflix...on his ipod...while it is leaned against HIS (yes his) Scentsy buddy.

The good life:)

Blah...Blah...Blah...

2011-01-15T01:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I am embarrassed to be human. That is all.

Hello 2011

2011-01-01T23:49:00.002-05:00

Blogging from my phone for the very first time:) Maybe I will blog more often now!! Happy New Year!!

Reflections...

2010-12-31T16:15:00.005-05:00

First, let me tell you where I got this...
http://www.incourage.me/2010/12/20-questions-for-a-new-years-eve-reflection-2.html://

Now...let me begin:

1) What was the single best thing that happened to you this year?
Remarrying my best friend...hands down. God and God alone is responsible for the restoration of my marriage and being a part of such an amazing journey with Christ has been BEYOND anything I could have imagined for Brad and I.

2)What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Stepping out of my financial, emotional, spiritual, and any other kind of comfort zone and making the decision to homeschool...and then sticking to it when the rest of the world said we were crazy.

3)What was an unexpected joy this year?
Ironically...homeschooling. When we made the decision I viewed it as a job...as something we HAD to do in the best interest of our kids. It has turned out to be something that not only brings me joy to do but brings joy in the form of less chaos for us as a family.

4)What was an unexpected obstacle?
It wasn't really all that unexpected...but continuing to live at home has been an obstacle. I miss having my own space!! The negativitiy and opinons of even the most well meaning friends and family over some of our decisions (ie...living with my parents, homeschooling) was a HUGE obstacle for me personally until I gave it all to God.

5)Pick three words to describe 2010.
Challenging, faith-invoking, BLESSED

6)Pick three words your spouse would use to describe YOUR 2010 (don't ask....just guess.)
Well...Brad would just pick three without thinking...so: scary, amazing, fantastic

7)Pick three words your spouse would use to describe THEIR 2010 (again...don't ask)
Eventful, blessed, amazing....he is not into these kinds of thought provoking questions:). That makes him sound thoughtless...which he's not...he just doesn't like to be put on the spot...so these are what I think he would spout off:)

8)What were the best books you read this year?
You mean besides the Bible?!? :) (I kid...I know that is everyones first response and I BELIEVE that I need to read and understand the Bible...but isn't always a page turner.) Rite of Passage Parenting by Walker Moore has been very eye opening. I also read John Grisham's The Innocent Man...his first and last non-fiction. Another eye opening read.

9)With whom were your most valuable relationships?
JESUS....and not in the "this is how you are supposed to answer" way. Like...true blue...He is my source of true strength and peace for everyday life kind of way. A close second would be my wonderful husband who truly is my best friend. My kids...my parents. I have a grand total of 5 girlfriends who keep me sane....in ABC order...Elizabeth, Jennifer, Jodi, Lashanwn, and Robin...thank you for all that you bring to my crazy life:). And I must add that it has been a joy getting to know my SIL over the past few months...love you Kim!!

10)What was your biggest personal change from January to December this year?
Letting go of other's input. Our decisions are OUR decisions. We pray about things...we trust God...we do what HE says. I am sure we will make many more decisions that seem crazy and may even be wrong because we just missed something. BUT...I have learned to stop worrying about what others think...even close friends and family....although they are and will always be harder to tune out:).

11)In what ways did you grow emotionally?
See #10:). That was HUGE emotional growth for me. It is still a process. My new mantra for 2011 is "creating our OWN kind of normal." We are crazy Jesus Freaks and will continue to make people think we are crazy...but it's okay...I have accepted it and have stopped agonizing over it. HUGE:)

12)In what ways did you grow spiritually?
I have learned to trust more. Deciding to homeschool was a HUGE step in faith for me. I have always worked at least part time and homeschooling meant I would give up working at all. Once we finally decided to make that leap...I cried it out with Jesus...how can we manage financially? And He answered very clearly...trust me...I have a plan for marriage and parenting...and it works...just trust me. We did...I did...and things have been fine.

13)In what ways did you grow physically?
OUT:). LOL...I kid...sort of. Needless to say...I will start 2011 with weight loss goals.

14) In what ways did you grow in your relationship with others?
This year I decided to reach out to people even if I felt stupid doing so. I tried to be friendlier to cashiers...I tried to start up a conversation at Bible Study...I offered to help even when people looked at me like I was eating bugs. It has helped...I have made many new friends through our church family!!!

15) What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home.)
BEING HOME!!! Getting to watch my kids learn and grow. Knowing Shay knows half of the alphabet because I taught her. Watching Bishop slowly remember to start sentences with a capital letter and end them with a period. Doing laundry while they do their computer work...I LOVE my job!!!

16)What was the most challenging part of your work?
Balancing activities, shopping, schooling...the normal things women face:) It doesn't matter if you work, don't work, or homeschool...finding a balance is always the hardest part.

17)What was your single biggest time waster in your life this year?
OUCH. I don't like this question:). I know a lot of people would say Facebook but I don't see it as a time waster...I enjoy it and don't see it as wasted time staying in touch with people....so...probably just general surfing on the net. I can sit down to check email and sit at the computer for 2 hours and not realize it.

18)What was the best way you used your time this year?
Volunteering at our church. I don't even do that much...but it felt good to be there and being a part of a team. Homeschooling will always be time well spent. My kids were a gift and anything I do for them will always be a good use of time.

19)What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?
It is okay to step out in faith. It is okay to do something crazy when God calls you to do it. He will ALWAYS have our backs...and HIS plan is much better than our own. And even the most spiritual of people may tell you that you are wrong and have lost your mind...God knows best. Always.

20)Create a phrase or statement that describes 2010 for you.
Life's a journey...not a destination. Live well, laugh often, love much.

WEDNESDAY WANT

2010-10-20T23:11:00.002-04:00

I said I was going to start making a list of things I want to help out my husband...which is probably a stretch considering he probably doesn't know how to find this blog anymore. But...I'm going to anyways...because it's fun and I can:).

There was a time in college when a girlfriend and I were really poor. And by poor I mean we spent all of our money going out the night before. But WHATEVER the reason...we were really poor so we called my roommate, otherwise known as the fabulous Jo-di, and asked to borrow her Sam's card. Sam's ALWAYS has good snacks at lunchtime:). She said yes, although she DID voice her concerns about our sanity. We got in just fine...I mean...I could borrow Brad's card and get in...they don't REALLY check. We grabbed our cart and decided to go "fantasy" shopping. In hindsight, I realize that what we did really upset the stocker who had to put it all back but we were 19 and stupid...and still...hyper. And hungry. So we grabbed a huge stuffed bear, plopped him down in the child seat and set out shopping. And snacking.

SO...this is my version of "fantasy" shopping without upsetting store clerks, stealing Sam's cards, and unfortunatly without the snacks. Will someone have a Scentsy party soon? I want snacks...

Here I go:

I want this necklace...which is already sold. But I want one anyways.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/55135175/family-tree-sterling-silver-hand-stamped?ref=sr_gallery_12&ga_search_query=family+tree&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_page=7&order=&includes%5B0%5D=tags&includes%5B1%5D=title

More next week...on Wednesday wants with Shana:)

CONVICTED

2010-10-11T10:09:00.003-04:00

I have been playing defense for awhile. I'm over it.

I had a blog about "why we homeschool" ready to post. It sounded very defensive...I had research and links to back up every singe reason I offered. But I'm not going to post it because quite frankly I have decided I don't care who thinks what we are doing is weird, stupid, or just plain overboard. From now on when people ask why I homeschool I will answer with this...

"Peter and the other apostles replied: 'We must obey God rather than men!'" Acts 5:29

That is what WE are doing. We must obey God even if it makes most men uncomfortable. I could list out the many reasons we decided to homeschool and they are great reasons. BUT...it came down to THIS reason. God placed it out our hearts to make a change...and this is the change that He convicted me to make. And when I finally jumped on board...I felt the amazing peace that comes with obeying God. It meant I had a LOT of work to do...but I had the peace of knowing that it would all get done.

I am not posting the list because I don't want it to seem like an attack on those who don't make the same choices we make. We all do what we think is best. We may be on different sides of the playing field but instead of trying to prove which team is better...let's just agree we all want the same thing...well adjusted, educated children...and play together.

Summary post....

2010-09-12T00:35:00.002-04:00

1) REALLY rough day that ended with child #1 throwing a fit for over an hour over PILLOWS.

2) Frustrated with smugness...hate it when people close to me hurt my feelers.

3) Bedroom furniture disaster today...stain doesn't match. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

4) The turtle Brad found and donated to Shyanne's turtle race won 1st place today...GO CARL:)

5) 9/11 is an emotional day...maybe that is part of my blahness. My heart aches for this country...

6) I shaved my legs...this is a BIG deal:)

7) I am seriously craving sushi. And a girls day...*ahem* Lashawn. (No they don't have to go together...lol)

8) Homeschooling rocks...like seriously. I love it. So glad I decided to listen to JC....amazing how he ALWAYS knows best:)

9) I am going to start a Wednesday want post on here...because there is so much I want and my husband needs ideas:). HA...like he checks this thing!

10) I am blessed and filled with JOY. Even on a bad day...when the external circumstances are icky...I am filled with Joy. God is good ALL the time.

11) I <3 whoever actually read this lame post...have a fabulous Sunday!

2010-09-09T17:28:00.002-04:00

So...I'm slow.

Yesterday I had kind of a crisis. Not an OH MY GOSH, we will NEVER survive, STOP THE VOICES kind of crisis. Just a minor, yet pivotal, little crisis in my own little world. You know...the world where I imagine I am a little pink sheep:).

I sat down and thought...I am happy. Truly happy. I love the man I remarried...I cannot even begin to express what an amazing husband he is. I love my kids...I love both of their little personalities and just am so thankful to be home with them. Homeschooling (and this is something I NEVER thought I'd say) is SO fun and I love it!!! Brad has a steady paying job...we don't have it all by any means...but we have each other and that makes me heart SOAR. And then it hit me...

I HAVE ALL MY EGGS IN ONE BASKET.

Here's where the s-l-o-w part comes in. I believed (you can laugh...it's okay) that my eggs are in BRAD'S basket. And I paniced. Because...what if Brad lost his job? What if I had to go to work? How would we homeschool? What would we do? Would we have to...I could go on FOREVER. I mean...Brad and I have been divorced before...come on. The doubt can seep in now and then even with the greatest man on earth. That's when it hit me like a mack truck.

My eggs are in HIS basket.

Not Brad's. Jesus's basket. And as long as they are in His basket...it will all be okay. So I settled down. I had a laugh with Brad in bed last night...talking about eggs and baskets. And I only made him promise to never leave me twice. You can laugh there too...we do:)

HAPPY FRIDAY:)

Are you unique?

2010-09-08T12:07:00.003-04:00

I chose this particular sheep because my favorite color is pink. It could just have easily have been yellow, orange, green, or black...whatever you fancy:).

But this picture portrays what we all want...we want to stand out in the crowd. No one wants to be a sheep that just follows the crowd. Our society embraces uniqueness. We all want to be special.

So...tell me why in a world where everyone wants to be special and to stand apart from the rest...why do we condemn this sheep?

I am a sheep...I have the greatest shepherd in the world. I kind of like the second image...I mean, my Bible is hot pink after all:).

BE UNIQUE:)

And be unashamed...don't let the world tell you that this sheep isn't special...

I am building cathedrals...

2010-08-31T22:37:00.003-04:00

On the days when it feels like what I do doesn't matter...

On the days it feels like no one but Lashawn hears me...:)

On the days that I feel inadequate...that I can't possibly be teaching my kids what they need to know.

I have to remember...

I am building cathedrals.

If you want to know what I am talking about go to www.youtube.com and search for "The Invisable Woman."

Humanity

2010-08-28T01:18:00.003-04:00

It sometimes discourages me.

Am I Crazy?!

2010-08-12T16:53:00.002-04:00

Perhaps.

Lol.

Brad and I have decided to homeschool. For those of you who have been following along for awhile...yes, that means...high school sweethearts, married, kids, divorced, remarried, homeschool family.

We are not exactly what you would call the social "norm." But what fun would that be anyways?

So...we have decided to homeschool. I think God has been leading me in this direction for some time now but fear and a worldy way of thinking got in the way. I feared what others would think...I got caught up in thinking that we have done it this way for years so it MUST be okay...why should I change it? But...I was not happy with my son's school curriculum. I am not happy that God is cast out of the public school house and I am not happy with the unhealthy environment that kids are thrown into everyday. I have nothing but love for public school teachers because they are the ONLY thing holding such a broken system together.

I'm going to do my own Q & A because I know the questions that you are thinking...Brad asked them all:). Yes they will be socialized...we will go to church on Wednesday evenings. Shay is in gymanstics and Bishop will play basketball in the fall. We are looking into a Coop to join. They will get PLENTY of socialization. Yes I have a curriculum. All subjects are covered and then some:). Yes I am crazy. I panic daily with thoughts of "Can I really do this?" But the answer is yes I can. Heck...even the state of Texas says I can;).

I realize this is hard for some people to wrap their minds around. Public education has been around for a LONG time and it appears to the outside world to be working just fine. I am not out to convert the masses...I just feel like this is the best choice for our family. I've been reading about how we try to teach our children about Christ and how He should be the center focus of our lives...and then we send them to public schools 7 hours a day where his name is a bad word. Add on that my brillant 1st grader had convinced himself that he could not do math and I felt convicted to do SOMETHING. And for now...that is home school.

I have NO idea how this will go. I trust that since God laid this on my heart that he will lead the way and it will be fine. If it turns out to be a bad fit for us then we will make necessary changes.

So...am I crazy? Yes...I am. I am crazy about Jesus. I am crazy about my kids. And I am just crazy enough to try this crazy homeschool thing:).

A line in the sand...

2010-08-05T00:08:00.004-04:00

I usually walk the fine line. I do a pretty good job of balancing, actually. I mean...occassionally I teeter onto the other side. You know the other side...the one where the doubts swirl and the devil dances. The side where I begin to doubt and borrow worries...even panic a little. But like I said...I usually balance okay.

Today...I dove into the other side. Head first...with thoughts of, "We can't make it work." And, "It's not possible...I can't do it." Not a good idea.

I cried. I stressed. I spent the day moping and fretting over things that do NOT have to be decided today....or tomorrow...or even 6 months from now. For what?

Brad and I do have some big decisions to make. Where to live? Try something new? Me to work or dive in to homeschooling? BIG decisions. And I was waist deep in the muck that can drown you fast.

The Bible was on my bed. Did I mention I love my Bible? It's hot pink and Brad bought it for me when God started working on us. And there it sat...all because Bishop mistakingly moved it. I was desperate for answers...for relief from the grief that was overcoming me...so I opened it. And guess which random page it opened to...all underlined and starred:

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

HA! Yes I know Lord..I was definitely leaning on my own understanding and it made NO sense. I kept reading...

"You're blessed when you meet Lady Wisdom, when you make friends with Madam Insight. She's worth far more than money in the bank; her friendship is better than a big salary. Her value exceeds all the trappings of wealth; nothing you could wish for holds a candle to her." Proverbs 3:13-18

SO...

I'm back on the line. And balancing much better. :)

A letter I will probably never send...

2010-06-27T23:22:00.004-04:00

Dear ____________,

I am writing this letter because I care. I am not judging. I am not trying to hurt you. I am writing because I want everyone in this situation to heal.

All he wants is to know that you care. All he needs is to know that you love him, that you always have. He needs to know that you are proud of the man he has become. He needs to know that even though he didn't come into this world planned for or even wanted...that you are glad he came into your life. I know this may seem odd to you. In your mind he DOES know that. But he needs to hear it...because he doubts.

He knows he has disappointed you. He knows that he isn't perfect. But he deserves to know that you love him despite anything he could ever do.

I do not believe that you have ever or would ever intentionally hurt him. There was a time when I thought that might be true...but over the years I have realized that you don't see it. You don't see the pain in his heart. You don't see how your choices...your words effect him...how they always have. He chose to put up walls instead of respond. I would love to see you tear them down.

Here is where you may get defensive. And let me preface...I am not saying these things to attack or make you feel bad. I truly want healing and forgiveness to take place...I want things to get better. You have been really inconsiderate of his feelings for about the last 8 years. You don't consider how your harsh words after too many drinks haunt him. He pretends not to care...but how could he not? He yearns to have you call, to be excited to see he is calling you. You have floated in and out of our lives like snow...for a few months you call, you send cards. And then it all stops. It's heartbreaking.

I want him to heal. I want him to wake up and KNOW that you care. I want that for him SO badly. I think if you look deep within you...past all of your hurts and anger...you do too. I honestly want you to know WE care, that we love you. I truly want YOU to heal.

There is a cure for your pain...for your bitterness. His name is Jesus. He is my friend. I know you know him. Let him set you free.

love,

Shana

Greener Pastures

2010-05-27T09:57:00.006-04:00

Imagine your a cow.

YES...I realize you are NOT a cow. Work with me...I'm creating an analogy.

So...we are pretending to be cows. I, myself, am going to be a Holstein. I think they are the cutest of cows and they are featured on Happy Cow commercials and I want to be a happy cow. The commercials claim that happy cows come from California which I think is bogus because I think Texas cows are VERY happy...but that's not the point.

We are cows. We wander around a field all day. We are average happy cows. We have had a few calves and we are settled into our farm routine and things have been rocking along for about 6 or 7 years. Long enough for the farmer to take our happy existance for granted...he long ago quit trying to make us happy. Long enough for us cows to forget how hard the farmer works to provide us food, shelter, and nice pasture.

Then one day...we notice something we hadn't noticed before. A fence.

A beautiful fence. And though we are drawn to the fence...it is the unknown on the other side of the fence that keeps us moving toward it. We have loved the farm and the farmer...but it's gotten boring and we feel unappreciated for all the work we do. The exciting possibilities on the other side of the fence seem so exciting. We should just peek.

And there it is.

It's more beautiful than anything you have ever seen. Much better than the farm you currently live at. And the farmer...well...let's just say he loves to make you happy. It's perfect. No more farmer taking you for granted...no more mundane existance on a seriously stale farm. Life on the other side of that fence has the potential to make us happier than we have ever been. Who cares if the other cows get upset...who cares if our farmer who has provided for us for the past 7 years gets angry...it's not our fault. The calves...they will get over it in time. They will LOVE the new barn AND the new farmer.

Who are we kidding ladies? Please excuse the fact that I just compared us to cows belonging to farmers. It was the best I could come up with. But this is the reality than many women face daily...greener pastures. And I am here to tell you...what we see on the other side of the fence is a facade...it's NOT real. It looks greener because we convince ourselves it is. The reality is that it's green for only a few feet...and then it turns desolate and dirty.

And when we realize the mistake...it's often too late. We turn to look back at the fence and long for the existance we had. Suddenly we're thrust into a world of insecurity...one where we must work doubletime to make ends meet...and in the land of single mother hood. Don't get me wrong...I am not dissing single moms. I've been one and though it is very fulfilling...it can be completely overwhelming.

I don't know what inspired me at 6 AM to write this blog...I am assuming someone needs to see it and I hope that I can convince you that peeking over the fence is a really bad idea. It seems exciting but a LOT of people are going to get hurt....your children included. I would love to pray for you, whoever you are...I've been in your shoes.

Happy Thursday friends...

Oh how HE loves us...

2010-05-17T00:43:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I have to pinch myself.

Sometimes this life feels too good to be true. Sometimes...it all just seems to be too well written. My life plays out like a story...with twists and turns that can be downright frightening and often times overwhelming. But soon enough the storm will quiet...things slow down...and in the hazy aftermath...you begin to understand. You can look back with eyes that can suddenly see better and realize that even in the midst of the storm....it was all orchestrated perfectly.

Never a coincidence...never an accident....it's always God.

HE IS ALWAYS THERE.

I don't have all the answers...I can't tell you why parents abandon their children. Or why a young mother loses her life. I just know that in the midst of every trial...He is ALWAYS there.

I have already been blessed enough to witness the amazing transforming power of Christ in my own marriage and it was beyond amazing. But I lived it...so I saw it through a microscope. It all happened in such a way that I didn't get to me mesmerized with the sheer glory and might of my Lord and Saviour.

But today...today I got to stand back and witness this same amazing grace through a wider lens. I got to catch a glimpse of God's plan and purpose for my dear friends life come to fruition. God had shown her a part of the plan many months ago and she shared it with me. And today...he revealed the rest of the plan.

It made my heart LEAP...literally leap with joy.

I sat on the phone and cried...because I am immensely happy for her...and because it was just so AMAZING to be a witness to God's amazing power. AMAZING power.

I give praise and glory to God....I cannot even put into words how wonderful God's love for us is.

Have a blessed and wonderful day, friends....SEEK and you SHALL find:)

One door closes...

2010-04-28T15:03:00.004-04:00

...and another door OPENS!!!

Okay...sometimes we have to squeeze through windows...but you get the idea. God does not close one door without showing you a new door. One of my favorite sayings .

(*ahem* Lashawn. We DO need to have some door prints printed...but I digress...)

The door to my 5 year stint at McDonald's didn't just close...it slammed shut. That is another blog in itself but regardless of how it ended, I was a little sad. I loved that job...I loved the kids, the people I met...it truly was a job I enjoyed...and that I was good at. I was just a little broken hearted and at a loss as to what to do next. I still sub and I stay home for the most part...but I like having a LITTLE money that is mine...ya know?

God is good:)

I had heard of Scentsy for awhile but had just been ignoring it's existance:). I thought it was just another party or candle of the month. I just wasn't interested in ANYTHING with the word home and party. It wasn't until I was subbing for a teacher at my mom's school that I discovered what it was...and I was hooked:). I turned on that woman's Scentsy warmer and fell in love. No more stinky 7th graders:).

Anyways...I just wanted to share my new venture with anyone who happens to still read this blog..lol. Go check out my website or call me if you want to smell some of the scents. It really does sell itself. Not only does it smell FANTASTIC...it is safe around kids, pets, and/or clumsy husbands:).

If you ARE interested in having a party...let me know. I am REALLY excited to have my first one!!! I am SURE there would be an extra treat for my very first hostess!!! *insert cheesy smile and doe eyes here*

Okay...I'm done...no more sales pitch:)

Brad & Shana...the Sequel

2010-04-12T16:10:00.002-04:00

Why?

I get asked that a lot. Why? Why are you guys getting remarried? Why have a wedding? Why do we feel the need to try again?

As the date draws closer...I have asked myself why we are making a big fuss over our second wedding. We had one...it was beautiful...and we got divorced. And then...it was made plain to me AGAIN why we are doing what we are doing.

TO GIVE GLORY TO GOD.

Our first attempt at marriage was a lesson in how NOT to be married. I believe that we loved each other...we just didn't know how to effectively communicate. And the fact that we were both stubborn and selfish in our own ways MIGHT have contributed a little...or a lot:). If you want to know exactly how to do it WRONG...shoot me an email:).

Why? Why did you get divorced in the first place? Maybe you slit up too fast? Do you regret it? What an expensive learning process?

Yep. It was an expensive learning process...we can't argue that one:). Do I regret it? NO. Never. Sounds crazy to most people but we had to hit rock bottom as a couple to truly become who God wanted us to be.

Our preacher did a sermon on marriage after we split up and we both happened to be there on that day. I say, happened...Brad called and asked to go to church with me. How do you say no to that?? I did not want to take that up with God so I said yes. My preacher looked directly at me and said, "God can save your marriage." I seriously thought I was going to melt into my seat...what?!? We are divorced, Pastor Rick, didn't you get the memo?? Hello, God...you were there when I signed the papers. It is OVER. Done. The fat lady has sung and left. Our preacher went on to say that there is one thing God hates more than divorce...and that is couples that stay together for the sake of staying together. Which is what Brad and I had become....which is what a LOT of couples have become. I imagine I was not the only one squirming in my seat that day...

So...why are we getting married again?

TO GIVE GLORY TO GOD.

We want to stand before our friends and family...our children...and show them what God can do in THEIR lives...if they just let him. He can move mountains...believe me...if you knew how stale our marriage had become...you would know just how insurmountable this seemed.

No marriage is perfect and this one will be no different. We will face more trials and tribulation....I just think we have the right tools to deal with them now.

If I could give one piece of unsolicted marriage advice...I would take the wise words of a dear friend of mine. Bend your knees now...so God doesn't have to break them. Ours were broken...severed. But they are healed by the one who took our place...:).

Blessings friends...we can't wait to see everyone on Saturday!!

Decade in review...

2010-01-06T23:16:00.004-05:00

2000 - I survived Y2K...which technically isn't saying much but the media DID try to scare us. Due to our impending mortality, my bff at the time and I dressed as new years princesses...kind of hot:) I'd post pics if I wasn't scared of my storage unit.

2001 - Big year for me...graduated from college with a fabulous degree that has earned me exactly NADA:) Also got hitched...can you hear the wedding bells singing softly??

2002 - BIGGER year...had first child in October. Changed my life...I cannot even express how it changed my life. I remember looking at him in the hospital...drugged, scared...and alone...and thinking...nothing else in THIS world matters....and I knew that God was very real.

2003 - Bought our first house...I became queen of the doublewide:) YES...I've heard the redneck jokes:). Let me give you another laugh...we had goats...as pets...they had names. Tinkerbell, Buzz and Lady...and Lady was retarded...and had seizures...shut up.

2004 - I can't think of anything too eventful...Brad went back to school...Bishop turned 2...

2005 - Got pregnant with baby #2...later to be named Shayden. We were praying about whether we wanted another child and it happened...so regardless of how some see it...she WAS and IS an answer to prayer.

2006 - Shayden came into the world kicking and screaming as any good diva does. Lost my grandmother...someone who loved me unconditionally and whole heartedly. Shayden had colic for 6 months...marriage began to slowly become...stale.

2007 - NEW HOME...brick, 2 car garage, 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath, 3 living areas...the American Dream...ended the year on a bad note. Husband left on New Year's Eve...not a good way to bring in the new year. Did I mention we were supposed to have a party? I can literally hear the party horns fizzling...

2008 - Where to begin? Discovered the world again...remembered who SHANA was. Discovered I was stronger than I ever imagined. Discovered that I can do ANYTHING through CHRIST. Went to work full time for the first time in my life...struggled, battled, prayed, got ditched by lots of people...climbed my way back up...whew. Ended the year struggling with whether or not to give ex husband a chance...

2009 - Lubbock journey changed my life:). Started dating ex husband and allowed God to work in both of us. Sat down at church one evening and preacher looked directly at me and said, "God can save your marriage." Cried hysterically...listened, trusted...God is good, and faithful...and well...just all around awesome. Brad & I will get remarried in April...

I truly just discovered that the children born in 1979 get to begin each decade at a milestone year...in 2000 we all turned 20...this year, we all turn 30. How very cool. I am 30! Did you hear that world? THIRTY. I get to start the new decade as a REAL adult...are you laughing?

Seriously...I know it will be another crazy ride...I also know I have the right person driving...and it ain't me:)

Happy 2010 friends:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2010-01-04T15:14:00.002-05:00

It has been awhile:) Life got a little busy with school, work, kids, life, AND the Christmas season but I think I am back for awhile. I decided that I would make some resolutions for the new year...or as I prefer to say...make goals for 2010. So...here goes...

1) I think all women have the same resolution at the top of their list...lose weight. Mine is no different. I MUST LOSE 10 pounds. Must. I have to wear a white dress in April...enough said. I will do this by practicing weight watchers and excercising 4 times a week...I will walk, ride a bike, and do some crunches. I will not run.

2) I will not touch the child support we receive for the next 5 months...this will pay for our vacation AND put money in savings. I won't touch it, I won't touch it, I won't touch it!!!!!! This means....I am officially poor:)

3) I will read my Bible everyday...even if it is just a verse. (I will make sure my kids at least look at the pictures in theirs. Shayden actually has a new rhyming Bible...the rhymes are sometimes a stretch but she actually asks to read it...so...I recommend it!!!) I will focus more on God being present in the little things...I always ask for his help when the problem seems large but I will try to turn to Him for the smaller things I think I can handle...which I usually can't:). I will continue to put him first in my life and in my soon to be marriage...

4) I will quit apoligizing for the following things: being a women that is emotional, irrational, and at times hormonal...that is how God created women; for wanting to be a mom first and not being completely excited about working...again how God created us; for living at home...it works for us for now and allows us to prepare for the future God has for us...I will NOT apoligize for waiting for God to unveil his plans; having an opinion that is different; for not being a neat freak; or for talking about my personal bff, JC:). If any of this offends you, we should probably not be friends...but I still love you:)

I want to start this decade out right...the last one was good, bad, and ugly...and I suspect this next will be no different. I just want how I handle it all to be different. I get to start 2010 off as a thirty year old...how cool is that?? New friends, new husband...job opportunities, I can't wait. GOD IS SO STINKING AMAZING. Happy New Year friends....

BFF'S

2009-11-08T02:28:00.002-05:00

See all these beautiful ladies? I am thankful for every one of them. They are my best friends...and believe me...I have found out who my friends are:). Each one of them brings something amazing to my life and I am blessed to have them. I know if I needed something, I could call, and they would do everything in their power to help me. I LOVE YOU SHAWNEE, JEN JEN, JODI, ELIZABETH, KATIE, & ROBIN!!

Behind as usual:)

2009-11-07T18:16:00.004-05:00

Okay...I said I would post everyday and...well...I didn't:). Time to catch up...SO...

Thursday - I am thankful for my ex-husband who is currently my fiance. He has become the man I needed him to be and God has done amazing things through him...and will continue to no doubt. I have been in love with Brad since I was 16 years old...nothing has ever changed that. He has become an amazing father and husband and I am VERY thankful to have him in my life.

Friday - I am thankful for the people who made me who I am today. Some people might NOT be thankful for who I am today...lol...BUT:). My parents are AMAZING. They have loved me unconditionally...and believe me, that has not always been easy. They have supported me financially, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually. They have prayed for me, they have encouraged me, they have cried for and with me. They taught me how to LOVE and appreciate people. Beyond being amazing parents...they are amazing people...living examples of Christ's love. I am supremely blessed to be able to call them Mom & Dad:).

And YES...I am spoiled:)

I am thankful for:

2009-11-04T21:59:00.002-05:00

This month I will (try:) to post something I am thankful for everyday. I am beyond thankful for the relationship I have found with Christ. Divorce sucks but it has made for an amazing journey with my Saviour. I have discovered what it is to be married to Christ....to trust Him completely. AWESOME:).

So everyday I will try to post something I am thankful for.

Today I will dedicate to my beautiful kids. I sometimes forget how precious they are. I forget that some moms never get the opportunity to hold their children and some have had to face loss that I hope I never comprehend. My children were at times the only thing that motivated me to get out of bed...they are the most precious gift God has ever given me.

fear

2009-10-15T03:53:00.003-04:00

Fear makes us act out. It makes us do things we normally wouldn't. Some people let it control their actions...I know...I used to. I am sure in many ways, I still do. What is a person to do with completely irrational fear?

........................pray............................

I am sitting here in the dark...not afraid....but worried, upset, and TIRED of dealing with my son's irrational fear and God just whispered in my ear. The solution is simple....pray.

well...DUH...:)

"Be still and know that I am God," Psalm 46:10

Live and let live...

2009-08-30T15:12:00.004-04:00

"LIVE AND LET LIVE," was posted on a friends facebook status. Just one out of a hundred but it stood out. Why did they feel the need to post that? What part of their life was being completely judged?

It is no fun to have the world pick apart your every decision. And when you live at home, engaged to the man who you divorced, with no job (And yes it does make you feel like a failure...thanks:)...you feel like you live under a microscope of vultures. What is she thinking...he is no good? Why don't they move out...what a disgrace? How can she turn down a job...she just expects her parents to keep helping her? She is so spoiled...that is codependency, how unhealthy...what have I NOT heard??

I have to admit...part of me wants to stand up and defend and another part of me wants to lay down and feel defeated...and yes world...that is what our judgements do to people...make them feel DEFEATED. Is that what we want when we judge people? To shame them into doing what WE think is best?

God asked Noah to build an Ark...when it wasn't raining. God has asked my cousin Jennifer to go to Kenya at Christmas...she doesn't have a job. God asked me to give Brad a second chance...we are divorced and it wasn't really all that great the first time. God asks my friend Robin to stop and pray for strangers. God asks ordinary people to do extraordinary things EVERYDAY...things that don't make sense to anyone...often they don't even make sense to those he asks. BUT THEY DO IT...and we, the rest of the world, look on clucking our toungues and condemning their craziness. I have been guilty...I don't understand why people do what they do...but it isn't my place to question. I, myself, have turned down much needed jobs...and people think I have lost my mind...but I trust my creator. I, myself don't understand what is happening and get discouraged...but I TRUST my CREATOR.

Live and let live, friends. I am guilty of all these things but we never know what God is leading others to do.

I hope my friend that posted this comment reads this and knows that I feel her pain. Just do what God is leading you to do and don't worry about the rest of the world:)

I struggle

2009-08-25T10:10:00.004-04:00

Discernment is a term used in Christian tradition to describe the process of discerning God's will for one's life.

It is a one sentence definition. It's not a hard to understand what IT is....it's just hard to understand what to DO with it. We hear this word all the time...but how DO we discern what it is God's will for our lives?

What if things change? Circumstances change all the time...it gets complicated. And when things get complicated...people stress out and stop trying.

It is a struggle...it is MY struggle. I want to be able to discern what is of God and what is not. I want to be in God's perfect will but I have spent more time lately trying to understand God's will instead of just talking and listening to him.

God wants us to seek him...always. But with a child like spirit...don't question, don't get confused...just seek and you will find. It's simple. It's NOT complicated.

So...starting this minute...no more struggle. No more complicated. I will seek the will of God and I will listen to the one voice that matters. HIS.

School starts TOMORROW

2009-08-23T12:05:00.003-04:00

...and I am sad. My son is 6 years old...yes, some of you that are reading this are getting old:). He is starting the first grade tomorrow...and though I am excited that he is getting older and growing up...a part of me is really sad that we are going back to school. I will miss being with him all day. Sure he has driven me crazy...but the times that he came and snuggled with me or the games of Operation or the "homework" we did most days...I will miss that. I will miss my baby girl as she goes to daycare. I MISS BEING A STAY AT HOME MOM! There I said it.

Why does that cause me guilt?? I feel selfish for wanting to be with my kids...how stupid is that??

Anyways...I am not excited for school to start. Bishop will do great...I feel really good about the dual language program he is going to be in. I really hope we can continue it until he is 6...but that is all in God's hands and not for me to worry about. It isn't a GT program but it is a "higher level thinking" option which is what he needs.

I do think I have decided to student teach first semester and unless God convicts me to sub or I find a job...I will be staying home second semester. I will take on more hours at McD's and get some more programs started for them...but I will get to spend more time with her. I WANT this last year...just her and I. I had Bishop for three years by himself...she deserves a semester.

I am okay with where we are. Living with my parents is...what it is. There are pros and cons but right now it works for us. My parents are in limbo for a couple of years as well so it just works. It isn't ideal...I miss painted walls:) but I also enjoy sneaking out for dinner with Brad after the kids are asleep. I am okay that I am not teaching...I feel like this is exactly where God wants us to be for now.

I will be praying for all the children going back to school tomorrow...God is severely missed in public schools.

Brodie's Bday Party

2009-08-22T01:29:00.002-04:00

2009-08-22T01:24:00.002-04:00

We are NOT too old to skate...:)
It was MUCH more of a work out trying to keep these two on their feet!

I loved her little, tiny skates:)

Bishop...still needs some work:)

Shawnee pushed Shay and Chase around...I think she just wanted to cheat...LOL. Is that not the greatest invention ever?!

Shayden is showing us how it's done :)

2009-08-22T01:18:00.001-04:00

Brad is...well...you decide:)

2009-08-22T01:13:00.003-04:00

Bishop is better on TWO wheels:)

2009-08-22T01:07:00.001-04:00

Who'd have thunk it?

2009-08-21T00:07:00.002-04:00

You see this man. Yes...you see him...but do you know him?? He is my ex-husband...my high school sweetheart, my current fiance, and well...he's just Brad. Are you confused? So are most people...don't worry...most everyone else is too:).

It has been a wild ride...but it all had to happen to get us HERE.

My first husband was an ass...yes, my first husband was Brad...and he was a real jerk. But divorce and the grace of Christ have made him a really amazing man, husband, and father. If you knew him before...I promise you don't know him now. Or me, for that matter.

I just wanted him to know how much I appreciate his support...to stay home, to teach...to move, to stay...he rocks.

There is power in prayer, my friends...MAJOR power...JESUS power:).

Word of God Speak...

2009-08-19T01:18:00.003-04:00

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmm...

Things that make you second guess where your headed and what you are doing.

I want to be a teacher...I think I will be a really good home ec teacher. I have lesson plans in my head..I have innovative ideas for my projects. I believe that I can help students succeed. That said...

I decided to go back to school to pursue education because I was backed into a corner. I was a stay at home mom facing divorce....facing a lot of obstacles, actually. I needed a job...quickly...and because being a mom was more important...I needed a job that would allow me to still be a mom as much as possible. I turned down a full time job because I would have worked 12 hour days. Money would have been fab...but the cost of never seeing my kids was too high. I decided that I would pursue what I had always wanted to do...teach. I was living at home so I could afford to go to school. I have completed all the coursework, I have passed all the tests...I even subbed for a year to have some sort of classroom experience. All I like to be certified is a full time "internship." Here lies the problem...

I don't know what to do. I am praying...I am exploring different options in my head. God has been speaking to me today...in a way that I wasn't really expecting. I went up to the school I work for today and I said hello to everyone...told them I would be subbing, helped my mom with bulletin boards. I gave Shayden's daycare some money for registration. Life was going as I expected it to. And then Shay and I got in the car to come home...and a well know Christian song came on the radio. I can't even think of the title but I closed my eyes and cried (we were home by then...no worries:). I envisioned Jesus taking my hand and moving me back to the passenger seat...and he took the wheel back from me. I knew I had been trying to "drive" and I needed to relenquish the wheel...it was a relief to let him have it back. We went inside and I didn't give it much more thought.

Fast forward to 11:00. I go in to check on my kids one last time before I pass out and "Cry out to Jesus" is playing on the radio. More tears as I kiss Shayden on the cheek...why??? Why am I such a crybaby today...what is wrong with me. What is this anxiety??? I trust God has a plan...it is all good...why am I so unnerved? I crawled back into bed and Brad asks if I am going to sleep. No. Do I want to watch tv? No. Why are you being weird? I don't know. And then...out of nowhere...I start telling him things that are bothering me that I haven't even voiced to myself.

I'm not comfortable with Bishop's new school or program. I'm not ready to take Shayden back to daycare. I'm not sure subbing is the right answer this year...maybe I should work at McDonald's full time. Maybe we should move. How did we ever survive when we were married? Talk about a RUSH of emotion...from nowhere. I can't explain today...I can't explain what I am feeling. All I know is that the jobs I have been offered and turned down have really put a lot of things back into perspective. I am a Mom FIRST. My job will always be a distant second...is that what God has been trying to remind me? I want to teach...but not at the cost of my precious time with my children...it is flying by and I can't get it back. I have said out loud many times that maybe God's plan is for me NOT to teach this year so I can have more time for my kids. I DON'T KNOW.

The flip side is...if I were offered the local job...I would take it.

I DON'T KNOW.

All I can do is to continue to pray...a lot of options are swirling through my head right now and I am just praying God show me which one is HIS glorious plan. Please pray for me...even if you disagree with the choices I have made or anything I have mentioned...pray that God will reveal exactly what HE wants.

Lord, All I can say is...drive. I am giving you the wheel and I will try not to be a backseat driver. Show me the way. Amen.

Be (In)Couraged

2009-08-12T17:14:00.003-04:00

Through blog stalking and web surfing, I discovered this new website for women...
http://www.incourage.me/

I love any website that is encouraging for women. Women can be a difficult bunch and we have all been on at least one side of the "Mommy Wars." This websight is designed to be a place for encouragement and a place to feel uplifted instead of competitive and disheartened. We, as women, need to lift each other up...pray for one another...LOVE one another.

In keeping with this website, I am supposed to blog about what encourages me. Something to think about it you haven't...it took some thought. I am encouraged by daily devotionals...stories about Jesus working in amazing and miraculous ways. Stories that remind me that life is more than just a coincidence...God is always present and always working. I am encouraged by my friends and family...their love and support is sometimes all that sustains my sanity. I am encouraged when I succeed...when I lose two pounds, I am encouraged to lose 2 more:). I am encouraged by my kids...when they become proud of accomplishments...they encourage ME to do and be better! Mostly I am encouraged by prayer. My one on one relationship with JC is what encourages me the most. I realize I disappoint people, I realize I disappoint myself...but when things get out of control and I feel like I can't go any further...I am encouraged by his words and his presence. HE ROCKS:).

Check it out...and have a blessed and FABULOUS day:)

OK LA HOMA :)

2009-08-10T22:33:00.000-04:00

2009-08-10T22:32:00.000-04:00

2009-08-10T22:31:00.000-04:00

2009-08-10T22:30:00.001-04:00

2009-08-10T22:30:00.000-04:00

2009-08-10T22:29:00.002-04:00

2009-08-10T22:29:00.001-04:00

2009-08-10T22:29:00.000-04:00

FEAR

2009-08-07T17:26:00.003-04:00

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and sorry I could not travel both..." ~Robert Frost

This is where I stand...at a fork in the road. Do I take the one less traveled...or the one that many have gone down? Hell...the fork I am staring down...I can't even decipher the difference.

I have been offered another job...one that pays well. I don't know much about the position...I am still waiting on info on it. I did not interview, I did not do anything but submit my resume. I do not feel comfortable with the situation...moving in a week, finding childcare faster than that, being the sole breadwinner for an unknown amount of time. I am AFRAID. I just don't know of what. I believe that God will help us make it through anything....so what is it I am afraid of? Failure? Unhappiness? I don't know.

So I stand here...and I don't want to make a decision based on fear. But I also don't want to make a decision to prove I am not afraid. You see the quandary.

I have prayed for a job and now I have been handed one. Is it wrong to say no? Is it wrong to wait for another one? Is it wrong to wait on God a little longer? If they are desperate...others will be as well. What is of God and what is Satan trying to intervene? All questions I don't have the answers for.

I have heard many opinions...and I don't begrudge anyone's advice. I am asking myself the same questions. I feel extreme inner turmoil over walking in faith and doing something just to prove that I can. I don't feel God tugging me towards this job...I don't feel God saying GO. I feel like I have to PROVE that I can step out in faith and I would not be doing it because the Lord said to...but because I want to prove to those who have doubt in me.

I have no idea at this point what is right and what is wrong. I know that no matter what we choose we are covered by Christ. I will be praying...that is all I can say at this point...

2009-08-07T10:54:00.000-04:00

This is how Shayden eats a corn dog. She is the most tomboy DIVA I have ever known. Lord, help us:)

Life for now...

2009-08-04T13:51:00.002-04:00

Sh*t happens. *GASP* I know...but I didn't have a better way to put it. Bad stuff happens all the time. Husbands cheat, kids falter, people get sick, friends get divorced, families die...things happen everyday. Things that we dread, things that rock our worlds apart, things that send shivers down our spines...they happen everyday. Jobs are lost, homes are foreclosed on...our world today is sometimes not all that pretty and our economy is more than a little scary. What amazes me in all of this is the blessings that come to those that make it to the other side.

People learn (me included) to appreciate what they have...the little things that make life worth living. Your children laughing, an extra 30 minutes at the pool, extra quiet time with God. When you suddenly realize that life can be gone in an instant...or at least the life you KNOW...what's really important stands out. Bishop asked me the other day what we would do if our house burnt down with all of our stuff. I told him that we would be sad...but as long as he and his sister are okay...I will have all I need to start over.

I have lived at home with my parents for over a year. I have defended myself from countless people...I have justified until I was blue in the face. I finally conceded that people will judge and just left it with God. Only now...when I am facing another year at home waiting to see where God takes us do I realize the very thing I am ashamed of is something to be grateful for. Not grateful because it is a roof...but because my children get to live with their grandparents and when they are older will have great memories of it. Because I get to have conversations with my parents that would never happen if we lived even blocks apart. Because if we want to play cards on a Wednesday night...we can. My kids will remember that for 2 years...they got tucked in by mommy and daddy AND nana and papa.

My life isn't what I thought it would be...but it is still amazing. I still have no idea what or where God is leading my family...but I will wait patiently (well, I will TRY to be patient:) for him to show us.

BLESSINGS mi amigos...:)

There's no such thing as perfect people...

2009-08-03T11:13:00.002-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9znqy_4FY40&feature=related

Love this song...so true. We all try to pretend that we are stronger than the world...we can handle ANYTHING thrown at us. Don't let the world see you are weak...

I AM weak...He IS strong...

Nothing in life is perfect...no marriage is perfect, no child is perfect, no life is perfect. But He IS perfect...so we're covered:)

I love this lady...

2009-07-30T22:57:00.002-04:00

My birthday trip was fabulous...my friend Robin met Brad, Chris, and I in Austin and we lived it up. Robin, I love you girl. It is nice to be able to talk to someone who just totally gets it:). You are my SOUL SISTA:).

RIVER TRIP...Happy 30th Birthday to ME:)

2009-07-30T22:52:00.002-04:00

The best place to rent tubes in New Branfels...
My hot bff, Robin :)

Robin and Chris fight over a stick...why??

My seXy boyfriend...ex-husband...whatever:)

The morning after...rough:)

What an amazing story!!!

2009-07-19T23:59:00.003-04:00

Somebody shared this link with me...it is the story of how her son came into this world two days ago...check it out!!

http://charpenette.blogspot.com/2009/07/rocket-man.html

Clarification

2009-07-05T01:46:00.002-04:00

I looked back over my last few blogs and felt like I should tell everyone that I don't see or talk to regularly that I am not miserable:). I am actually doing well and happy with life in general...I just usually sit down to blog when I need to vent or am feeling introspective. Our sermon tonight brought this one on...

But as a whole, I am doing great...I just have moments of doubt...and that is usually when I blog....:)

The Voice of Truth...

2009-07-04T21:07:00.002-04:00

"But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me"

You'll never be a teacher...you'll never get a job. You wasted your time and your money...you live at home with your parents and can't provide for your kids. You have failed...you are almost 30 and look where you are. You're divorced...you work part time...YOU...HAVE...FAILED.

"Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed"

Your marriage fell apart. You couldn't make it work...what's wrong with you? Where was your God then? Your kids aren't perfect...they whine, they throw fits, they don't mind...what kind of a mother are you? You got out of college and did what...NOTHING. What have you done with your life, Shana?

"The waves they keep on telling me time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!""You'll never win!"

Your best friend is so successful. Your friends are happy, successful...buying houses, getting jobs...look where you are. Living at home, no full time job and mounting bills from school. Can your kids even depend on you???

I struggle. Everyday. I hear these voices...the ones that tell me I am not where I "should" be in life. The ones that hold me back...oppress me. The voices that make me feel guilty, shameful, and threaten the pride that I have let go of. It IS a struggle...

"But the voice of truth tells me a different story"

I love you...I have a plan for you. A job that you will provide for you and glorify me all at the same time. I have redeemed your marriage...I have saved your family. I have a PLAN for you.
I provided for you...with a loving family that could help you when you needed it...

"The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"

It is all OKAY...I HAVE A PLAN FOR YOU. I love you...do not worry about what others think or say...I have it all worked out. Do not fear bills or dark clouds...I am with you always. I've got this, Shana.

"The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"

For MY glory...remember that. My plan doesn't always match yours but mine is better.

I struggle. Everyday. But I DO choose to listen and believe the voice of truth. I believe that God has a plan for my life...that he does have it all mapped out. I am fixing to be 30...and I am not where I want to be...but I am where God needs me to be. I can't worry about what people think...not strangers, peers, friends, or even family. I went through, WE, went through everything for a reason...so we could be where God wanted us WHEN God wants us to be there. He has the perfect job for me...in the perfect place. I hear his voice all the time...the voice of truth saying, "I've got this, Shana. I've got this...have faith and walk with me...I've got it."

I love this song and just wanted to share why it speaks to me so much...love you all...thanks for standing by me through so much...and having faith in me as well as God.

"Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth."

Faith

2009-06-15T10:53:00.003-04:00

"We all have two choices. We can resist change and be
miserable or we can embrace it and live. If you hold
on the past, the past will hold on to you. But if you
hold on to God, he will lead you into the future to
embrace the abundant life he planned for you all
along.
So where ever you are in life , whatever you are
experiencing cling to the One who is Lord over all
defining moments." Rick Owen, Pastor, St. Matthew Cumberland Presbytarian Church

I am sure most of you have seen this skit before but it is worth seeing again...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

It is a great reminder of just how amazing Christ's love is for each of us...everyone...no one is left out. I love that it shows how we get seperated from God...how things, people, situations make us lose sight of what is truly important. I did that...during my divorce...so many things pulled me away from him...but he is always there...ready to fight for me. We had a theatrical group from Tennesse come visit our church and do this live...very amazing. They also did a skit about an interview at"The Gates" that was very eye opening. It wasn't the gates of Heaven or Hell...it was the gate of mortality...very interesting but I am having trouble finding anything like it to post.

Jus thought I would share...we are all too busy sometimes...I like to be reminded that I am NEVER too busy...

Things I learned at a water park...

2009-06-08T21:32:00.002-04:00

1) Women's swimwear is a disaster. Why have swimsuit manufacturer's failed to realize that women's suits need SUPPORT?! We spend WAY too much on bra's that lift and support and keep in place...why can't swimsuits provide a little of that?? Call me crazy but we need a little MORE support when swimming, running after toddlers, and laying out in the sun. GET WITH IT designers! There are a FEW companies that offer suits that offer good swimwear but by looking around the room...not enough:)

2) Waterparks are fun...no doubt about it. So fun that we forget how awful we look...lol. But chasing around 2 kids at a waterpark...I may never recover.

3) I got to go down to the lobby with Shayden for storytime. (With a wolf named Wiley which I think is silly because Wiley was a coyote but that isn't the point.) It was perfect. The story was okay, the show they provide is mediocre at best...but looking around the room at 200 sleepy eyed toddlers with their mommies...that was priceless. Working at a midde school allows you to see very little innocence...that room was full of innocence. It overwhelmed to the point of tears. The world needs to find a way back to that...

4) Completely contradictory to that...I saw 13 year old girls walking around in bikini's that left little to the imagination and fake "tramp stamp" tattoos on their back. What happens between 6 and 12 and how do I keep my daughter from falling into that trap? I know she will test the waters and want to grow up but come on...why do tweens want to be SO sexy?? I despise the media and pop stars for making that the norm. And I despise parents for falling into the trap and accepting it. UGH

5) Great Wolf Lodge is worth the money. When you are booking it and see how much it costs...you silently (or NOT so silently:) wonder if that is a bit extravagent for one night. IT IS. Hands down...without a doubt. Go as a family...you spend two days with nothing but family activities in a hotel aimed at kids...no laundry, no bills hanging over your head, nothing but precious time together...these memories will last a lifetime.

We had a blast...I will post pics as soon as I get them uploaded...

Graduation Day...

2009-06-04T22:09:00.002-04:00

Thanking Mommy...after all...I DID give him life:)
Bishop quote of the day : "Everyone fell down today because I am so beautiful." He was serious...lol

He WAS the best dressed...showed up all the kids in his shirt and tie...which he BEGGED to wear!

His standard pose...wonder how he become such a poser:)

Today was a first of many milestones...it was very special. He looked adorable and it was just really cool to be a part of it. I am very proud...he got all kinds of awards...reading, math, computers. His teacher was amazing. I am nervous about first grade...tests, and AR, and TEKS...oh my!!!

I did get a little teary...he is almost 7 and Shay turns 3 next week...where does time go??

Where is Tres?

2009-05-31T11:12:00.000-04:00

Tres is the strangest cat I have ever had. I woke up this morning to a cat with his paw wrapped around my arm staring at me. He let out a little meow and just stared. Then he began to lick my arm. Then my eyebrows. WHAT?? What a weirdo cat!!! I opened my eyes again and he let out another meow. Okay, Tres...what is SO important??

HE NEEDED A TREAT!!!

By now I am SURE you have figured out Tres is a MALE cat...why else would he have such a sense of entitlement:)???

Dr. Feel Good

2009-05-19T15:34:00.002-04:00

I have been struggling with a few things lately...well, I am always struggling with something...aren't we all:)? But my issues have to do with not having a job and feeling inadequate, living at home, the job interview process only intesifys these worries. You sit before someone and try to make yourself seem like the best person for the job...and then you wait. Talk about anxiety! I let it bother me far more than I let on...or even realize for that matter. BUT...God...in his amazing way...just keeps whispering in my ear...trust me. And how can I not...He has done amazing things in my life and Brad's in the last year...he is awesome. I read an article today in PARADE magazine. I am not a regular reader nor am I a big Dr. Phil fanatic...but the article that he wrote is a MUST read:

http://www.parade.com/health/2009/05/dr-phil-mcgraw-getting-through-tough-times.html

It is about dealing with the tough times many of us are facing. They can bring us together or tear us apart....READ IT:). The depression was a hard time...I have heard my great grandmother's stories...but the one thing great that came out of it was people coming together...is it too late for America to change?

Thought I would share...

2009-05-18T08:20:00.001-04:00

Daily Devotional by Max Lucado
“the One who came still comes and the One who spoke still speaks”

May 18
A Life of Service

We are many, but in Christ we are all one body. Each one is a part of that body. Romans 12:5 (NCV)

God has enlisted us in his navy and placed us on his ship. The boat has one purpose--to carry us safely to the other shore.
This is no cruise ship; it's a battleship. We aren't called to a life of leisure; we are called to a life of service. Each of us has a different task. Some, concerned with those who are drowning, are snatching people from the water. Others are occupied with the enemy, so they man the cannons of prayer and worship. Still others devote themselves to the crew, feeding and training the crew members.
Though different, we are the same. Each can tell of a personal encounter with the captain, for each has received a personal call....
We each followed him across the gangplank of his grace onto the same boat. There is one captain and one destination. Though the battle is fierce, the boat is safe, for our captain is God. The ship will not sink. For that, there is no concern.

I thought it was funny that this came across this morning...we all prepare for battle everyday...:)

Parenting

2009-05-17T20:33:00.003-04:00

I've learned a lot in the last 6 1/2 years on this journey called parenting. I have learned to play the role of gourmet chef (HEY...betty crocker is gourmet people:), educator, nurse, soldier, stylist, personal shopper, financial supporter, and best of all...butt wiper. I can diagnose rashes, I can enunciate challenging words, I can work three jobs to buy toys we don't need, I am damn good at pigtails:), and I dare say there isn't a diaper incident I haven't experienced.

I have learned that being a "good" parent is beyond tough. That is where the role of soldier comes in. Bishop just threw the fit of all fits...he cried, he screamed, he refused punishment, he kicked his sisters toy on the floor. It was a beauty. We finally threw him (NOT literally people...do not call CPS) in the bathtub and told him he had lost his 5 minutes (he gets 5 minutes of video games before bed every night...it's his "thing.") You would have thought we had killed his puppy. I hated to do that...it truly is HIS thing...he gets his 5 minutes either with his dad or Papa...but we have GOT to get the fits and not listening under control. So...he not only lost it today...but tomorrow too. And then comes another battle...but that is what "good" parenting requires. I will have to put on my suit of armour tomorrow...the one that keeps me from falling for those sad eyes and alligator tears...the one that helps me stand my ground. Lord, help me...this parenting thing is tough...

I said all that to say this to anyone who has a teenager. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY ARE DOING. I hear parents say all the time, "I'll let my kid have a myspace but I will monitor it." A friend of mine had a myspace created for her BY a student (yea...not good) so we had to search through some teenage myspace pages to find it. The first thing that disturbed me was how many students pages were NOT private...13 and 14 year old girls telling exactly where they live and where they go to school. If you actually look at the pages...HOLY COW. 13 year olds with VERY little clothing on...boys with porn stars as their "friends." The language, the SUBJECT MATTER...wow. I teach in a middle school, I KNOW what they are doing, but even I was shocked. Parents...beware...

So...yea...I am ready for bedtime...lol. Tomorrow is another day...on the battlefield. BUT...Jesus is my commander in chief so I think I will make it...

My Albuquerque Trip...

2009-05-11T14:13:00.002-04:00

We strike a pose before our journey (and I DO mean journey:) to Santa Fe...
The longest bar in New Mexico...located in Madrid, NM...fun times:)

SHE'S THIRTY:)

We went to this museum...called Tinkertown. I recommend everyone travel to Albuquerque and see it...strange little place.

KENNY...duh?

BEWARE!!

2009-05-01T23:30:00.003-04:00

I want everyone to be very careful this week! We laid down for our nightly prayers and Bishop took extra time to ask God to protect us all from that nasty "Slime flu."

:)

I love my child!!!

2009-04-30T22:13:00.003-04:00

Don't you hate it when you realize your kids are smarter than you?!

Example:

I was running late this morning (I know...HUGE shocker:). I got Shayden buckled in the car, got it started, realized I couldn't find my cell phone (another big shocker...shut up:). I dig through my purse, look under the seats, and turn to Shay and say, "I have to run back in, I can't find my phone...I'll be right back." She looks at me inquizzatively and nods. I sprint back in the house and run around like a mad woman but find no phone. I decide to try calling it from the house phone...yes, I know I should have done that first....my brain is FOGGY in the mornings. It rings and rings and I hear no phone. I decide to see if maybe I missed it in my purse...I mean, I don't think I WOULD but ya never know:). I throw open the car door only to hear Shayden say in a very mature voice, "Your phone is in the CAR, mommy."

"How do you know, Shayden?"

"It was RINGING."

"oh."

One of those...duh moments...it was all very comical except for the fact that I was 15 minutes late.

TGIF friends...try to steer clear of the swine flu...

When all else fails....

2009-04-29T21:28:00.000-04:00

I have been becoming increasingly worried about this whole swine flu thing. I know in my heart that most of the panic being created is just due to the media being out of control but the mom in me has moments of, "but, what if?" Part of me says...whatever...it's the flu, the other half wants to keep my kids home and plan a two week homebound vacation (that doesn't sound too bad anyways:). I have read a lot of other blogs and posts and I know that many of us are concerned...but I am trying to practice what I preach to my kids everyday...it your knees. PRAY. The past couple of nights I have just laid down with them and talked to God specifically about this flu...please protect us, keep us healthy. Please be with our nation and help the virus to remain mild. When you close your eyes tonight...try it...I promise God will give you the peace that you are seeking. God is constantly whispering in my ears that He is always with me...and I know that He is...

Tonight on one of the radio stations they are talking about moms...how wonderful they are. I have always thought my mom is pretty bad ass...she is an amazing woman. And then I think about getting to BE a mom and I am completely humbled. I often don't feel worthy of being a mom...I am a mommy failure a lot. But I think back and realize that that is just part of being a mom...we learn as we go. I look at my kids and realize I would stand before a firing squad or walk thru fire for them and it is nice to know that MY mom would still do the same for me...God is awesome....

Busy kids...

2009-04-28T22:05:00.005-04:00

I may be a crappy soccer mom but he is NO crappy player:). Look at him steal the ball!!He DID inherit his daddy's athletic ability...
TA-DA!! She has to practice her landing every week:)

These are "rainbows" aka backbends...Shay is doing GREAT!

Practicing those backward rolls...
High five Ms. Pam...she rocks!

Loss

2009-04-22T18:23:00.003-04:00

How do you explain to a six year old why people come and go out of his life?

I have been struggling with this question for awhile...and I still have no good answer. When his dad & I divorced...it was tramatic enough. To add insult to injury, we lost friends that meant a lot in the divorce . How do you explain to a 5 year old that his best friend can't be his friend anymore do to mommy politics?! It was hard and I finally told him he moved and I didn't have his new phone number.

That was hard enough...how do you explain to him that a grandparent or cousins still love him but we are likely never to see them again. I would love ideas...I placate as much as I can...but it invariably comes up again...where is ____________?

Help:)

The Terrible Twos

2009-04-07T22:47:00.001-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Friday's Feast

2009-04-03T22:11:00.002-04:00

Appetizer: Choose one: Popcorn, Pizza, Pretzels, Peanuts, or Pasta.

Hmmmmmm...Right now I would choose pizza...DESSERT pizza:)

Soup: Describe your personality in terms of a particular vehicle.

That's easy...PINK HUMMER. Pink for my girliness...Hummer because you should watch out...I can and will run over you if you don't get out of the way:)

Salad: If you won a shopping spree, from which store would you want it to be?

Charlotte...I wear enough of their clothes...I might as well get some free

Main Course: Which television show re-runs do you enjoy watching?

I watch WAY too many re-runs of Sex and the City and Friends...I think I have seen them all TWICE but I still love them. They ARE my friends:)

Dessert: If you could look into the future, how far down the road would you like to see? 10 years? 100 years? A million?

I don't think I would look...okay, maybe a couple hundred just to see if we would still be here or if we had been raptured yet:)

Lenton Devotional

2009-03-30T22:31:00.002-04:00

written by: Henri J.M. Nouwen

The great challenge of faith is to be surprised by joy. I remember sitting at a dinner table discussing the economic depression of the country. We kept throwing out statistics that made us increasingly convinced that things could not get worse. Then suddenly the 4 year old son of one of my friends opened the door, ran to his father and said, "Look Daddy, Look! I found a little kitten in the yard...LOOK...isn't she cute?" While showing the kitten to his father, the little boy stroked the little kitten with his hand and held it against his face. All at once eveything changed. The little boy and his kitten became the center of attention. There were smiles, strokes, and many tender words. We were surprised by joy.

God became a little child in the midst of a violent world. Are we surprised by joy or do we keep saying, "How nice and sweet, but the reality is different." What if the child reveals to us what is really Real?

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and sustain me in a willing spirit." Psalm 51:12

I am behind in my Lenton devotional book...I KNOW...terrible:). But this one really spoke to me today so I wanted to share. I have been really struggling with the state of this country and the fear of where we are headed. This reminded me that I need not fear...

Picture Update :)

2009-03-25T23:08:00.003-04:00

Bishop is LEARNING TO RIDE A BIKE With NO training wheels:)

AND...he learned how to crash...LOL. How can a kid cry over a papercut but never shed a tear when he crashes 17 times??

More Pics

2009-03-25T23:01:00.002-04:00

Shay going down the slide at the new A-town McD's

Bishop gets under the hood to fix the problem:)

Another infamous pose of the girls...Shay is not REALLY choking Shyanne...just bad photo moment!

Another infamous photo...Brad's "watchdog"

We went to the movies over Spring Break and Shayden wanted to sit in Bubba's lap...Bedtime Stories was...ok:)

More pics

2009-03-25T22:24:00.003-04:00

The new do:

I am raising her to be a camera diva...

This shows Shay's personality perfectly...:)

I got my soccor mom card back...lol. Ok...maybe not but Bishop is a GREAT soccor player!

Tres....the new family cat

Playing Catch Up

2009-03-18T15:13:00.000-04:00

This is my "catch up" day and that includes the blog. I have been cleaning, I have had the KIDS cleaning, I've been doing homework, and catching up on DVR. I have been working on a blog about America and how sad it is to watch out country right now...but I haven't finished it so for now...catch up time:).

I had an interview and many of you sent emails and prayers...THANK YOU. The interview itself went really well. I was immediatly intimidated when I walked in...there were three women waiting. I did feel confident though...this is an area that I understand. They asked about the Restaurant Association test which I have taken and passed. They asked what I think a big problem facing teachers is and I answered LACK OF PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT (be involved parents!!!). We talked about what programs they want and what I feel would be good for them to offer. It went very well and they were complimentary. It was easier because I went in with the attitude that this will or won't work out and that is okay...I want to be where God needs me to be. The job is exactly what I want...the situation is exactly what I don't want. The plus side: Family & Consumer Science and they want my input on what classes to teach; they DO have a Chicken Express; PK is close by:). Down side: It would require moving to Graham...about 2 hours west of here. Graham is a great place but I would have no help of any kind. And I know that millions of women before me have done it and millions after me will as well...but I don't want that. I have great admiration for women who have done it with no one...but that is not how God intended it to be and I am blessed to be in a situation where it doesn't have to be that way. SO....anyways...we will see. If God makes it obvious that Graham is my plan...then I WILL go...I know if He leads me there, HE will work it out. So...you see the dilemma...I will keep you posted. They are accepting apps until the end of April so I don't expect to hear anything too soon.

And that is about it...lol. I am still subbing...I just finished a long term subbing position as a school receptionist. Wow...that changed my way of thinking on MANY things. We are such an instant gratification society...but I guess that can be another blog in itself:). Everyone should have the opportunity to do reception work for a week...it will be life changing. I learned to pray for people that came in angry...and I learned that you shouldn't piss off the lady that handles phone calls...hmmmmmmmm...chew on that one:).The kids are fabulous. We went to Bishop's open house the other day and it was interesting. Should I be concerned that everyone referred to him as "Jedi Bishop"???? He is already doing 1st great work and reading like a champ...he is too smart for his own good. His computer teacher did comment on his vocabulary and if you sit down with Bishop for any amount of time...you will understand...he is a mini adult in a 6 year old body. We got him signed up for soccer and he is excited to start that. Shayden is still a diva. She is such a toddler now...no more baby:(. She refuses to learn her colors...we work on them all the time...I often wonder if she is color blind or if she just doesn't care. The entire world is purple...hmmmmmmmmmmmm. She is a "Bubba's" girl...she follows Bishop EVERYWHERE. Right now, they are sitting in the living room, together in the same chair, watching Clone Wars. She is becoming a Star Wars nerd in her own right...God help us:). She still has the same boyfriend and still insists on having a say in her shoes and bows. We are battling the word "no" and "I don't WANT to." She has more attitude than I can muster at times...I DREAD the teenage years!!!!!

I am still boring:). I am planning a trip to Albuqurque in April and Key West in June...traveling with Jodi of course. Gotta do something to stay young...30 is looming:).

Have a FABULOUS day...thank you God for Spring Break!!!!

Disengaging...

2009-02-23T21:48:00.003-05:00

I Am a 'Kept ' Woman? You see, there were a few times when I thought I would lose my mind, But GOD kept me sane. (Isa. 26:3)

There were times when I thought I could go no longer, But the LORD kept me moving. (Gen 28:15)

At times, I've wanted to lash out at those whom I felt had done me wrong, But the LORD kept my mouth shut.. (Psa. 13)

Sometimes, I think the money just isn't enough, But GOD has helped me to keep the lights on, the water on, the car paid, the house paid, etc.., (Matt. 6:25 -34)

When I thought I would fall, HE kept me up. When I thought I was weak, HE kept me strong! (I Pet. 5:7, Matt. 11:28-30)

I could go on and on and on, but I'm sure you hear me! I'm blessed to be 'kept '

I'm "Kept" by the Love and Grace of God

I got this today and thought I would share...God's grace is amazing.

I am blessed to have amazing friends that like to have in depth conversations and I have been meaning to blog about several of them. My dear friend, Donald, has taught me something about pride. Basically...it is STUPID. The world has become SO ridiculously politically correct that we can't do ANYTHING without offending someone. He is composing a politically INcorrect song that I can't wait to hear. He lives by this principle...if he finds himself angry with someone, he takes a minute to see if the reason he is angry boils down to pride. If it does...he tosses it out. Pride is just an insecurity...and it is foolish. Thing about that the next time you get angry...

I had an in depth discussion about life with my ex husband about priorities. If you knew him while we were married you would understand the irony but he is a different man these days. He is living proof that God can do amazing things. Anyways...he had been talking to a man about what was important in life. No one gets to their death bed and wishes they had worked harder or more hours. No one wishes they had been more dedicated to their job. No one will ever have on their tombstone, "Loyal employee." In death, we are not remembered by the things that we did or didn't do...we are remembered for how we loved. "Devoted mother and wife," or "Loving father and husband." How do YOU want to be remembered?

The title is "Disengaging." That came about from conversations with Lashawn. By disengaging, you take control of a situation...you don't give anyone power. I guess that is what I am trying to do these days...

I think I am getting old...:).

E. T.

2009-02-08T19:20:00.002-05:00

The Extra-Terrestrial. How many times have you seen this movie? I LOVED E.T. as a child...watched it over and over. I remember studying the flowers in theater arts...my teacher was trying to teach symbolism and foreshadowing. The flowers wilting represented the amount of time E.T. had left to live. Heavy stuff:). We recorded it off of television for Bishop to watch and have been sitting here watching it for the last hour. Funny what you notice now...as an adult. The mom is a struggling single mom...worried about money and her kids....too stressed and busy to notice an alien living with them. In the beginning she is told her husband is in Mexico with his girlfriend and she begins to cry and gets upset because he "hates Mexico." I just found it interesting...maybe I should watch more of the movies I watched as a child. The same things my kids don't understand about Shrek, I guess I didn't understand about E.T. and the Muppets. I wonder what I would get out of Dirty Dancing these days...:).

LOL...we are halfway through the movie and the mom just started grumbling about Mexico again. It just goes to show...no matter the decade, no matter the reason, the who, what, when, where, why, how, how much, how little....being a single mom is a challenge. Be extra nice to them...

The great state of Oklahoma

2009-02-04T23:02:00.000-05:00

I just spent $45.00 to get an "official" copy of my birth certificate. $15.00 for the actual certficate, $10.95 processing fee, and $20.00 for shipping. WTF?! That is quite a racket, Oklahoma. No wonder you give away medical and childcare like it's nothing...SHEESH!

I haven't blogged in awhile...life has a way of...happening I guess:). I got to take a FABULOUS roadtrip with LaShawn...there are pics in my photo albums. 6 hours to Lubbock on a Friday night, party like a rockstar on Saturday, 6 hours home on Sunday. WHEW:)! We ate, drank, and were merry with my other family and it was EXACTLY what I needed. Lyndon, Mandy...love you guys...seriously!!! Shawnee and I had some serious heart to hearts...it was an amazing trip. *tears...:)*

I still have no full time job...or no oFFICIAL one I should say. I work full time hours...just with half the pay and no benefits:). I am trusting God on that one...truly given it to him. He will put me where he needs me...I am taking another certification test in March...we'll see if that opens some doors. I have started to worry at times and said...well, what if...but I stopped that and decided to have faith.

Bishop and Shay are doing really good. They are changing before my eyes and sometimes that kills me. Shayden is getting REALLY close to three and is just a minature version of me...seriously...it is scary:).

Let's see...what else? I have all kinds of things planned for later this year. Jodi, Donald, and & are planning a "turning 30" trip to Mexico this summer...hence the $45 birth certificate. Lots of traveling...lots of time with the people who matter most...

Life is never without tragedy and turmoil and mine has been no exception. I have had a lot of things weighing heavy on my heart and God has really been convicting me about a lot of things. The preacher at our church is not afraid to step on toes and suffice it to say that he crunched mine pretty good:). Heart to hearts with Shawnee and Jo have also left me with a lot to think about. I'm not ready to blog it all yet but I am starting to make some serious changes....:)

A friend of mine recently asked why I blog? I have been blogging on blogger lately and after I received a pretty ugly comment I began to wonder myself. But the answer is easy...it is my vice. I don't drink (ok...I don't drink A LOT:), I don't smoke, I don't kick stray dogs...I blog:). I put myself out there...for everyone to see...the good, the bad, the insane:). And I guess I hope it helps others realize they aren't the only neurotic people in the world...I am crazy too:)

Happy Thursday my friends...I am off to play on Webkinz...er...I mean...something cooler than that....:)

No school....YAYA:)

2009-02-01T19:45:00.000-05:00

That's HAWT :)

2009-02-01T19:44:00.000-05:00

My little Mclovin's

2009-02-01T19:43:00.001-05:00

Red Raider Love

2009-02-01T19:43:00.000-05:00

KISS MY ASS :)

2009-01-31T18:21:00.003-05:00

No more anonymous comments....

"fuuny how your post from weeks before state no more advice for divorce ...but yet you still keep blogging about it. get over it already!"

I have been called on the carpet by an anonymous blogger...I stated I was tired of advice about my divorce. A couple of weeks later I blogged about it again...but ya know what...

IT IS MY BLOG:)! I can be hypocritical, bitchy, loving, uplifting, mean....I get to say whatever I want...:)

This is my outlet...my way to get my thoughts out of my head so that they might make sense...whoever left it....you are a coward for being anonymous....and you should learn to spell:). I may say things from time to time that contradict or even make no sense...but I have the guts to put my name on it...

If you don't like it...well...you read the title....

Everyone else...sorry...I felt the need to respond...

Patience

2009-01-21T21:56:00.002-05:00

Hmmm....

Well, I attempted to post something on here yesterday and it became a little irate and so I removed it. Someone saw it and will never know how much I appreciated the kind words. The world is NOT all bad...:).

I have a long ways to go in the healing process. I think I know what I want...but the timing has to be right, it has to be what God wants, AND there has to be a lot of healing. A LOT of healing. I feel like I am back at square one which is exactly where God wants me to be. I didn't learn what I needed to learn...that God needs to be my crutch...my Rock...no one else. Some have said that I have to stand on my own two feet...but ya know what...I don't have to stand...I can lean...on Christ. I KNOW, without a doubt, that God will get me where he wants me to be...I can stop trying to control things.

This doesn't mean I won't want to write more blogs like yesterday's or that I will stop all the crying. It just means I have taken a baby step...

I will pray for myself, for my kids, and yes...Brad, too. Though I am so angry that I can't see straight...I can't bring myself to hate him...I still want the father of my kids to get it together.

Thank you friends:)

My goal now is to pra

It feels like Sunday...

2009-01-19T21:45:00.002-05:00

...and I hate Sunday's. Sounds horrible, I know, but we go to church on Saturday so it isn't as bad as it seems:). Sunday's just have a horrible effect on me...I start the week on Monday with a positive outlook and I generally make it through the week okay. Saturday's are either really busy or really laid back but then we hit Sunday. And for whatever reason...I fall apart. I don't know what it is...I miss my house, I miss the feeling that someone loved me even if they weren't around. I miss the security...I don't even know what I miss...I just know that what I have right now isn't enough. Sunday's suck:).

And today felt like Sunday...and once again in my life, I feel like yesterday's garbage. And that is just a very awful way to feel. Door's open and door's close...but I am just standing in the doorway and don't know whether to go in or out.

Sunday's suck...

2009-01-14T23:55:00.001-05:00

It's been a long day....more headaches than I care to even blog about......but God has a way of getting to us even when we do our best to avoid Him. It was the kind of day with lots of tears and frustration and feelings of complete inadequecy. The kids and I read from a WWJD book every night before bed and tonight the story was about a mother who was sad and how Jesus brought her son back to life to make her happy. It ended with this short prayer...

"Dear Lord, thank You for all of the happy times in my life. When I am sad, please help me to think about You so I can be happy again. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Yeah Lord...I got it....:)

2009-01-12T23:33:00.001-05:00

2009-01-12T23:33:00.000-05:00

2009-01-12T23:32:00.000-05:00

2009-01-12T23:31:00.001-05:00

2009-01-12T23:31:00.000-05:00

2009-01-12T23:30:00.001-05:00

2009-01-12T23:30:00.000-05:00

Christmas favs

2009-01-12T23:28:00.000-05:00

Just for fun :)

2009-01-11T01:50:00.003-05:00

Photo Journal...

2009-01-07T22:30:00.002-05:00

I have to take a picture everyday....there are NO rules...I just have to take a picture. I challanged my bff's, Lashawn & Jodi, to create a photo journal for 2009. I knew Shawnee would join...she's a photographer...come on...she HAD too:). Jodi surprised me with a yes as well so we are doing it!! The catch is it is NOT online...we have to print them...glue them into a book (yes, we have the right glue) and at the end of the year we will get together over appletini's and have a merry time sharing them. Anyone who would like to attempt this with us is welcome too!! It is actually funny because I find myself looking for a picture...what inspires me today? What will I wish to remember about THIS day in 20 years? After all..."This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

Now...aren't you impressed that I LINKED websites to names...whoo hoo:)!!!!

Please NOTE

2009-01-05T22:32:00.002-05:00

The FABULOUS new design on my blog...many thanks & kudos to my insanely wonderful BFF, LaShawn:)

And please also note that all divorce advice and or comments will NO longer be accepted as it is a new year & I am tired of hearing it...

It has been a day....can ya tell:)? Divorce illicits a different response in everyone but it certainly never fails to GET a response. Everyone has an opinion about what I have done, about what I haven't done, about what I SHOULD have done, about EVERYTHING...and I am closing the door to any and all opinions. I may have a button made that I can hold up anyone starts to say, "Well, I think...." Lashawn...maybe we could capitilize on this somehow...:)

It is cold, I am tired...so I am going to curl up and go to sleep....